Yellow.

Many a times, I left myself stranded upon a deep abyss.

A thought, if you will. I kept wondering the entire time would this be the last one.

 

The one that kept going…?
The one that kept us both happy…?

 

As a child I always imagined life to be simple.
Finishing school, finding a job, get married, have children and live to a ripe old age.  

 

But as we know, it’s not that simple.

We got to deal with all the different controversies and the emotions.
Religion. Friends. Love ones. Pain… Yes… Pain…I’m familiar with that…  

 

[ S C H O O L ]

Now, I know that studies wouldn’t be problem. No, don’t get me wrong. I’m not smart. In fact, many people in my live will tell you that “smart” is never a vocabulary used to describe me. (cue awkward laughter and a long hard sigh)

But somehow, I feel that we just have to bite our tongue and ride a tank thrashing down our elementary and college schools to get it over with. And that’s how I got through my studies, it was tough for a guy who is totally nonchalant about what’s 1+1 but messing around with his Hot Wheels for the years he’s in elementary school…no wait, high school too… ahh who am i kidding, I have one in my hands right now!  

[ F R I E N D S ]

People say ” Friendship is a living thing that lasts only as long as it is nourished with kindness, empathy and understanding “. But having to survive this world, especially after high school and college, we faced friendships that….well, have absolute nothing to do with “kindness”, “empathy” and “understanding”.

And yet, we had trips down “Back-stab lane”, “Alone Junction”, and a few quick stops at “Outcast Me Interchange” It’s these journey of friendship makes you ponder doesn’t it?

 

“Why me?”…”How to be popular among friends?”….”Do I really need them?”

 

Basically, it’s survival of the fittest. But during that voyage, you chance upon a few comrades, that surprising, becomes your best buddies for the rest of your life. Yet, for some, there’s those that are similar to me, where we are the “jello shots” of the crowds. We bounce between the many many groups of friends, for just like an outing with the clique and bring in a day of euphoria… and we are never contacted again. It sucks. It really does. Big time.

 

Personally, I’ve been backstabbed many times, by close friends, by a “passer-by” friend, by a buddy, by a teacher and yea, you name it. I’m not proud it, but to survive all that with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s… c’mon, give me some credit at least! 

8e30c2f7de774281e45f9a35ffea683c So yea, if I’ve got the closest friend to backstab me right in the face without me noticing it, the rest wouldn’t matter. And to be completely honest, friendship don’t mean a thing to me now unless you’re able to tell me that this friendship is gonna last. If not, you’re just another passerby.  

 

[ L O V E ]

“Pride comes before fall” – John Foster It’s a harsh fact, for both genders of a relationship, and at this point, if you read this and you don’t agree with it, I think you have some problems my dear.

 

I’ve learnt the hard way through relationships that pride shouldn’t be your source of fuel in a relationship.

Every time there’s an apology to be made, you look for pride first.
Every time there’s a move you have to make, you seek advice from pride.
Every time one of you was hurt, you find comfort in pride.

 

Yes, i do agree, we always find it comfortable, familiar, soothing to hide behind the presence of pride. But don’t ever let that get in the way of your relationships. I have to learn the hard way… And since then, I’ve always thought if I put down my pride, everything between a pair would be fine. That’s…well, not the case…at all.

 

Whether is it a conflict or a chat, it’s easy to let our pride comfort us and say that none of it is our fault. And trust me, it is very difficult to swallow our pride and be the first person to re-initiate the relationship.

 

But unless one person steps forward and realizes that their pride is not worth letting the relationship dissolve, the relationship will risk further deterioration. However, you’re right. There cannot be always that one person who steps down from their pride. It’s pretty unfair. Heck, it’s one of the hardest decision ever.
“If i don’t give in, will he forgive me/ speak to me again?”
“But why is it always me?”
“If i keep giving in, then what does that makes me??”

 

Sometimes we just don’t notice that this “pride” thing are overshadowing our love for our dear ones. We’ve been in situations that two parties who desperately wants to reconnect, but choose not to because we are too proud.
“I gave in the last time, this time, i swear it won’t be me.”
“She did wrong, why do i have to step in first?”

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What we do not understand is that, our relationship with those that we love is what makes life worth living. Or simply “let go and love”.

 

But yet, many people can’t do that. I was like that too. And that’s when [ pain ] comes.

 

[ P A I N ]

 

Pain… Should I say I’m too familiar with it or that I have just gone numb from it..?

 

Take it from me, that the different types of relationships you read from novels, I have been through almost every single type of relationship endings. But mostly, because of pride I guess. I used to be the type of guy who wants a girl to feel protected, to assert my position, and that caused me to be prideful.

 

Through thick and thin, yes, but I learnt so much from every relationship, how to improve myself and make the next one last longer, happier and to love genuinely. Know that if you’re too proud to reconnect with someone you love, take action.

 

Do not let pride turn into the regret of having wished you’d made an effort. It’s not worth it. Open the relationship doors that you’ve wielded shut and be the first person to step through them. At the end of the day, it’s up to the other person to choose to step through as well. But by leaving the door open, by being the first to step through, shows how much you want that relationship to be saved, and if the other person does not step through his/her door and meet you in the middle, then it’s time to let go.

 

And that’s the pain I face recently. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to hurt down the ways.

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That quote, is bullshit. I did think that it was true. But not anymore.

I tried so hard. I put down my pride every single time.
I let go of my self-esteem so many times.
I listen, I bear with the frustration of waiting.
Waiting for something that has absolute no direction.
I put up with the constant refusals, the annoying fucked up rejections.
But what for?

 

If it comes to an ending where the other party doesn’t care, doesn’t appreciate, then just let go.

……this is the last goodbye.  

 

[ T H E  E N D ]

 

We always have vivid imagination when we cuddle with the ones we loved dearly on a queen sized bed, enveloped in that fluffy cream white blanket.

…………………………I had that. Yea, had.

 

And no matter what much I imagined how it goes on from there, I couldn’t fix the puzzle on how we could get to there from here.

I won’t make any excuses. I tried everything. I really did.
They just all seem useless. It’s not surprise I won’t be here tomorrow.
You don’t have the time. You can’t put down your pride.
I guess I’ll just go since you were never there and you will never be.

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