A little, by little.

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Heartstrings are pulling.

To live each day without a faith.
To walk each step without knowing where’s your destination. ‘

Everyday I pondered.
Each moment I wondered.

Where do I go from here.
How do I move from then.

It’s those moments when you reach a certain point of your life and…basically have no idea what’s the next thing for your life.

I guess this is a training for the “mid-life crisis” fiasco? And I’m only twenty.
But it scares me. It really does. 

Sure I’ve plans for my future. But when’s the last time you see a plan perfectly executed? 

But you know what is truly frightening? Time.
Time seems to pass so quickly when you’re in your twenties.
…I mean time seems to fast forward so quickly when you’re in the big twos.

I’m worried about not having the time, the finance to do what I aimed to do in life.
I’m worried that I do not have the shoulder of someone’s to lean on, a ear to hear my troubles, my anxieties.
I’m worried that I do not have that trust I provide coming in return to my closest ones.
And I’m still searching. Still searching for someone who could just give me the comfort, the time to do all that for me. 

Is it a Lonestar? Indeed. (Norah Jones pun here…not a funny one though but…yea..you get it.) 

But hey, not all things are going bad! I know I know, it’s been awhile since I’ve been here so I’m here to pay my dues. 

Now firstly, I got shortlisted into the Police Assessment Examination a few weeks ago and I must say, I was quite surprised. 
Not because I’m huge loser but because I only applied it as a “hmm..we’ll see how it goes” kinda thing. 
And yea, the moment I knew that I’m shortlisted, I can’t let this chance blow. 
Basically, there was this huge series of different tests and exams to check if you’re a retard and knows if you could 
differentiate left and right and stuff…and other whatnot psychometric tests. 

But the main thing is the last and final interview…

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been confident and pretty good with job interviews and similar activities.
However, this time, I was facing the highest ranking officers of each division in this ginormous room.

The lights in the room were beaming. The pearl white table top wasn’t helping either.

There sitting in the middle was a chair. And it was those cushioned office chairs. Oh, that’s nice? Wrong. 

It was very intimidating to be the only innocent guy in the room, because, you know, deep in your heart,
those guys sitting opposite you are out to tear out every bit of information you have in your mind. 

Now, posture is a good thing when facing interview. I went in, smiled, sat down and kept my composure…..for 10 seconds.

The first question killed me. I never thought it would hit me that hard and fast. I was ashamed. I was embarrassed.
I didn’t know what to reply. 
I didn’t know who to face. 

My heart sank. My ass sank. And that damned cushioned chair made it worst. 

I felt like half my body was enveloped by the chair as I sank further into the seat. 

By the time I could get a “Erm..” out of my mouth, my body was crumpled up. 

It’s like someone written down my worst fantasy and charged me a whole day just to experience it. 

And yea, the interview went downhill from there. 

Still, one question struck me. 

“Now, after the 5 years bond, where do you plan to proceed? What do you plan to do?” asked the Chief Commissioner. 

I looked down. 

My heart stopped. 

My mind ravaged and came up with all sorts of kiss-ass answers just to please him including;

“Wow, I want to fight hard and pursue my dream as a high commissioned police officer, just like you!”
(yea, I know, it’s the…..oh my gawd no you didnt just said that….kind of reply..)

but deep down, I know I have no idea. 

Soon, well…not so soon, it was the worst thirty minutes of my life, but I went home.

I got into the shower and just couldn’t get my mind of that thought of what to pursue for after my five years bond.

Ever notice when you enter into the shower, you start to become this millionaire singer cum rock star cum philosopher? 

And yea, I went ahead to sing my favourite song to lighten up the atmosphere(?) in the bathroom…..well, whatever that means…
(hey, don’t laugh, you do that too! I bet you even ask the “crowd” to sing and clap along and even do a drum/ guitar solo!)

ANYWAY…. I went forth to think about my future after that. And after two major concerts for my “audience” and a lecture about 
Earth Science to my “students”, I hopped out of the shower, carefully with the plan of my future in my head. 

It took me quite some time to get it all out and planned everything so perfectly. 

Funny thing, God likes it when you remember things and He just *snaps*. GONE. 

Your concert? GONE. 

Your crowd? GONE

Your lecture? GONE.

Your students? GONE.

Your life planned out so well for the past 1 hour? GONE. 

 

But I wasn’t mad. In fact, I was quite…contended.. in a way. 

It seems that all we have in life, is just one thing. To explore it. 

Some people at age thirty are surprised to find out that they actually know how to juggle.

Some people take ten years to realise that they actually enjoy what they have hated for the past fifteen years.

And for me, I like to see things the positive way. So when I told myself, every time I write in here, 
it will be a new chapter, a new topic, a new season of life. 

And as I step further into life, the more chapters this blog will fill, and more adventurous it will be. (: 

 

 

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